A Poll"A film director can take a great script and make a great film. Or he can take a great script and make a terrible film. But he can't take a terrible script and make a great film. No way."- Syd Field, screenwriter
This statement got me thinking about all of the truly terrible films that weren't necessarily "terrible" because of the script
or the directing - but that were still enjoyable or entertaining on some level. The term (as I like to call it) for this type of experience is:
Craptastic.What are your Top 5 Favorite Craptastic Films?(or at least the ones you're thinking of at the moment, in any order)Here are mine:
1.
The Order (03) Brian HelgelandHeath Ledger plays a young priest of a secret order known as the Carolingians who must investigate the death of the order's head (and his own mentor) while trying to put together a puzzle whose pieces include: an ancient creature known only as a "Sin Eater" (which was also the international title of the film), a couple of weird silent kids who look like extras from Carol Reed's Oliver! (68), a bearded gung-ho priest buddy (Mark Addy), a troubled artist (Shannyn Sossamon) whom he once performed an exorcism on (who is also Winona Ryder sexy) and a future candidate for Pope (Peter Weller) who also happens to look ripped right from the pages of a Raymond Chandler mystery (complete with snap-brim fedora and over-coat). It gets alot more crazy than that and if it weren't so unusually weird and given the fact that I'm not sure any of it was meant to be played for laughs - I would normally have just dismissed it as "crap". But it's also "fantastic" and incredibly fun to watch. Thus: "craptastic". It's also by the same writer/director as
this movie...
2.
The Island of Dr. Moreau (96) John FrankenheimerTalk about movies that are just plain fun to watch...or was that just plain awful? I don't blame Frankenheimer for this one, the original director (Richard Stanley) was fired after just one day of shooting. Original star, Rob Morrow walked with him. Good for him. From there, it all gets a little hazy, but here goes: Val Kilmer was initially going to play the Edward Douglas (Morrow) role, but changed his mind just before production began because he reportedly wanted his commitment to the project 'reduced' after being served divorce papers by his then wife Joanne Whalley-Kilmer. This led to him switching roles with Rob Morrow, originally cast as Montgomery, the Doctor's assistant. Morrow left the film after director Richard Stanley was fired, leading to David Thewlis being cast. Horror icon Barbara Steele originally had a small role as Dr. Moreau's ex-wife. The character was written out of John Frankenheimer's new version of the script. Dissed director Richard Stanley prevailed upon the makeup crew to turn him into one of the background mutants, so that he could at least keep tabs on the making of his dream project. He did not unmask himself until the wrap party, at which point Val Kilmer (who had Stanley fired in the first place) apologized profusely to him - John Frankenheimer had proved to be a far harder taskmaster. Marlon Brando (Dr. Moreau) wore a small radio receiver to aid him in remembering his lines. Co-star David Thewlis claimed "He'd be in the middle of a scene and suddenly he'd be picking up police messages and Marlon would repeat, 'There's a robbery at Woolworths'." David Thewlis has vowed never to watch the finished product of the film, it was such a negative experience making it. He skipped its opening premeire. Yikes. Can't say I blame him.
3.
Zardoz (74) John BoormanBurt Reynolds was the first choice for "Zed" (the hero of the film), but he bowed out after injuring his leg in a horseback riding accident. Good for him. Sean Connery got to wear that now infamous red teddy and the rest as they say was history. The government initially refused to allow the production team to import the guns for the movie into Ireland because of terrorist attacks occurring at the time. There are alot of guns in Zardoz. They get thrown out of the mouth of a giant floating head into a mob of other men wearing red teddies. Then the mouth spits out bullets, which is good because if you want to use a gun properly you will need bullets. To help keep the movie cost down, Sean Connery used his own car and drove himself during the production. John Boorman then gave him half the money that had been budgeted to hire him a car and driver (the idea was Connery's, according to Boorman). There is so much to say about Zardoz (how the production began as the first ever live-action filming of Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings trilogy but was over-bugeted and eventually scrapped) but this is best left up to the individual viewer. I'm not even saying it's entirely a "bad movie" since it has become something of a sci/fi fantasy classic over the years. One thing's for sure: once you've seen it - you'll never be able to look at a red teddy the same ever again. Thanks, Sean.
don't click here if you don't want to know the "secret" of Zardoz...
4.
Clash of the Titans (81) Desmond DavisThis is probably the most "historic" epic shit sandwich of all-time. But wait - it's got Laurence Olivier as Zeus, and Maggie Smith as Thetis...Burgess Meredith, Ursula Andress, Claire Bloom, Siân Phillips and Tim Pigott-Smith were also along for the ride. So what the fuck happened? Harry Hamlin as Perseus. That's what happened. There's so much to enjoy in this epic craptacular mess that it warrants an immediate repeat-viewing at least once every six months. There's only one other film that even comes close to this high level of craptitude, and that's Caligula (79); the main difference being, Caligula just may have gotten the Roman Empire right. Titans was the last feature film for which Ray Harryhausen created the special effects. The effects looked even dated from the early 80s, but they are so over-done and so clearly well-devised that one must sit back in awe at the Medusa head and giant "Kraken" of the sea (which somehow found it's way into this mainly Greek affair by way of Scandinavian mythology). Maggie Smith was married to the screenwriter (Beverley Cross) so perhaps she was obliged to take part, but everyone else was either in it for the fame or the money. Hopefully more for the money since this film is rarely even cited as a "cult classic" today. It remains a true oddity: a good/bad film that is as watchable now as it ever was. The River Styx scene still rocks, as does the whole film - even if Hamlin's William-Katt-afro is still hard to look at...
action figures sold seperately
5.
Color of Night (94) Richard RushThis is it. The greatest craptastic film event of all-time. Richard Rush's Color of Night. If the bizarre characters, ridiculous zooms/camera angles and the even more ridiculous plot and screenplay don't entertain you for the 140 minute running time (Director's Cut version) of this, the biggest enjoyable BAD FILM ever made, than I don't know what will. This is the film that the term "craptastic" was designed for. And what about that all-star cast: Bruce Willis (as a guy who can't see the color red and pouts alot), Jane March (in a Razzie-caliber duel role as "sultry vixen" and "androgynous teen"), Rubén Blades (the cliched "loud-mouthed cop"), Lesley Ann Warren (as Lesley Ann Warren), Scott Bakula (wait a minute - Scott Bakula was in the flick?), Brad Dourif (as the "creepy guy"), Kevin J. O'Connor (as the "troubled artist") and Mr. Lance Henriksen (as who-the-hell-cares-He's-Lance-fucking-Henriksen). Richard Rush is a kooky guy and he proved it to the world once and for all with his erotic/thriller masterpiece...or at least I'm sure that's what he thought he was making. This is a true Hollywood train-wreck. Even the music (which was clearly designed to spurn a couple radio-hits:
and it did!) is fucking awful. The title song (and score) play continuously over every erotic moment in the film - and that's alot. Bruce Willis does a nudie here (could have personally done without that) and I'm not sure how any of these actors survived this one. Especially Willis. There's only one other big-budget Hollywood film of the mid-90's that almost tops Color of Night in total crapaliciousness, and that's Showgirls (95). The only difference is: I can actually almost get through Color of Night. That's the true test of a "craptastic" film...you have to hang in there just to see how truly bad it's going to get. Then when it's finished, you have to do it all over again.
Know what I mean?post your picks below under comments
